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Procrastination Is the Best Way to Study (A Satire)

Written by: Kat Walls / Photo by: Ashlyen Fisher

{This article was written after hours of watching soap operas, eating popcorn, and general laziness on behalf of research. Readers’ discretion is advised.}

There are so many things that can fill your time as we careen towards finals week: playing sports, fighting crime, flying a spaceship, or performing neurosurgery. These, of course, are all fantastic options to avoid writing your essay or working on that project that’s due the next morning. For a more relatable example, I, the amateur researcher, have watched 5 hours of the beloved soap opera Grey’s Anatomy to test my theories of the benefits of procrastination. I started writing this very article promptly at 2 o’clock in the morning the night before it was due. It’s safe to say I’ve learned a thing or two about procrastination. Procrastination is the best way to study because it gives students additional pressure since they don’t already have enough; it is more convenient for students since we are all about convenience here; and it gives students some bragging rights.

It is not hard to see that some people work better under pressure. That’s why some people need to work as EMTs and not at a desk job. These kind people work better knowing that if they mess up at that very moment, there is no going back. There is no time to make a mistake—no time to let that essay percolate in the back of your mind and come up with sound logic and good mechanics. Procrastinating on essays early in life (well, isn’t that ironic), is a good way to begin training for working under pressure. These are the people who grow up to be superstars! Who wouldn’t want to live with constant pressure and the fear of screwing up at the last minute? This stress produces masterpieces that would have otherwise gotten decent grades, had students started them earlier.

Secondly, procrastination is far more convenient for students. One could simply have several other things that are clearly far more important to do, such as going to work, flossing your cat’s teeth, or jamming out to Spotify. That homework that’s been nagging you can simply wait until these other, clearly more important, tasks are finished. It’s said by amateur researchers that experience is more important than homework, so people who procrastinate are really the ones with their priorities in order. In addition to this essential life experience, students who spend their time watching movies or television are just engulfing themselves in culture. That’s an important experience to have. Think of the impact all those movie quotes will have on that final essay when your brain goes blank. Of course, the college atmosphere is perfect for fostering experiences like parties, all-nighters, and late-night movie dates. Do you really want to deprive yourself of these wonderful experiences by doing homework and getting good grades?

Lastly, procrastination gives students the right to brag. How many times have you heard a teacher say something along the lines of “You can’t write this paper in one night, so don’t procrastinate”? In my many years of schooling, I have heard this statement more times than I can count (Probably more than 10, but I have socks on, so I can’t count to 20). However, I have had several papers that I have written the night before it was due, and I usually scored very well on them. High C’s and low D’s, baby! The ironic part is that those same teachers who say you can’t write an essay in a night are typically the ones who have a timed essay for the final exam. Speaking of that, though—who else can say that they stayed up all night to study for that final? Employing this very helpful practice of procrastination gives students the right to tell all their friends about it as they take espresso shots in Doc’s. Who else can say that they binge-watched a whole season of Stranger Things the day before their biology exam? You certainly will stand above the crowd by procrastinating. It’s such a rare practice, and you will be heralded by all your friends as the up-and-coming star.

Seeing that it is now 3 in the morning, I must carry on doing my music theory homework by doing what I do best—procrastination. This is a seriously underrated method of studying and should be used far more when it comes to writing papers or studying for those finals. Do it! You’ll be amazed at how barely fulfilled and hardly refreshed you feel. Now excuse me, I have some Netflix to get back to.